[AlcoveBook-dev] Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour Vol # 1 Issue # 12

[The Grand Pooh-Bah Of Humour]

Ó¿Ó<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->Ó¿Ó
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Formerly known as Purehumour...Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour is
sent by request ONLY.  If you wish to unsubscribe from this list
please see the instructions at the bottom of every mailing.

So how many of you caught the first issue of the revamped Weird
News ezine?  It was formerly called Weird News Weekly but has
now been renamed to Pooh-Bah's News...and the very first issue
was published on Saturday.  What was brand new here though was
that it was published by my wife who has taken over the reigns as
editor of that ezine...if you want to see what she did you can check
out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/wwn and to 
subscribe send an email to:
>a href=" address@hidden ">Subscribe</a>

Today I reach a milestone year in my life...yes I am 39 years old
today ... and I have decided that is it!  I am not getting any older...
I am just going to get better!  ;)  Instead of sending me cards or 
anything like that...why don't you do something special for some-
one else ... make a donation to charity or just do something nice
for someone today.  If I can get some love flowing around the world
just one day a year ... that would be the best birthday gift ever!  ;)

Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, SunAmy, DiAnn, 
The Posens, Dolly, Laura, Terri, Keli, Pat.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">Jokes</a>

Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------Ó¿Ó
Lets start with a quickie:

Why is breast milk good for health?

Because it's great for blood circulation, provides heat, is
refreshing and comes in attractive containers.

Ó¿Ó------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó
Today's issue is brought to you by:

Want the "Real Deal"?  These are the reproductions of the 
actual deck of cards that were handed out to the US Military!
Those famous cards that you have seen on CNN...well now 
you can own them!  Saddam is featured as the Ace of Spades...
and the rest of his cronies are included also.  Made by the same
manufacturer as the official cards....these are the ones that you
need.  FREE gift with every order!  Be the first in your area to
own one...each deck arrives with a certificate of authenticity!

<a href=" http://tinyurl.com/akgi ">Deck of Cards!</a>
http://tinyurl.com/akgi

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

I've had this odd feeling for a little while.  Not funny
"ha-ha", but funny strange.  It's a surrealistically
subconscious feeling that I was abducted by aliens and
thoroughly probed.

Then a friend of mine told me they got me really drunk and
dropped me off at a gay bar.

The bastards.

Ó¿Ó----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------Ó¿Ó

**New** Have YOUR birthday listed ...Join the Birthday
Club by visiting:
<a href=" http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/ ">Birthday Club</a>
http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1951 Beau Kazer Toronto Ontario Canada, actor (Brock-Young and Restless) 
1951 John Conteh boxer 
1951 Norma Jean Almodovar Binghampton, auto-biographer (Cop to Call Girl) 
1954 Catherine Carr US breaststroke swimmer (Olympics-2 gold-1972) 
1955 Bill Malley Oakland CA, Nike golfer (1991 El Paso Open-30th) 
1955 Graeme "Jock" Edwards cricketer (beefy New Zealand lefty batsman late 
70's) 
1956 Lisa Niemi Houston TX, actress (Dirty Dancing, Will Rodgers Follies) 
1956 Nick Lowery NFL kicker (New York Jets) 
1956 Steve Pagano horse trainer 
1957 Bruce Furniss US swimmer (Olympics-2 gold-1976) 
1957 Duncan Goodhew swimmer 
1957 Siouxsie Sioux [Janet Susan Dallion] Kent England, punk rock vocalist 
(Siouxsie & the Bandshee-Wild Thing) 
1958 Linnea Quigley Davenport IA, actress (Night of the Demons, Virgin High) 
1958 Neil Finn rocker (Split Enz-I Got You, Crowded House) 
1960 Ray Armsetad Kirksville MO, 4X400 runner (Olympics-gold-1984) 
1960 Vinodhan John cricket pace bowler (Sri Lankan in 6 Tests 1983-84) 
1961 Cathy Silvers New York NY, actress (Jenny-Happy Days, Foley Square) 
1961 Jill Sterkel US swimmer (Olympics-bronze-1976, 84, 88) 
1961 John Lugbill Wauseon OH, US canoist/kayaker (Olympics-92) 
1961 Peri Gilpin Waco TX, actor (Roz Doyle-Frasier) 
1962 Mariangela D'Abbraccio Naples Italy, TV actress (Passioni) 
1962 Meg Parsont personality (David Letterman Show) 
1962 Ravi Shastri cricketer (Indian SLA all-rounder 1981-92) 
1962 Ray Borner Australian basketball center (Olympics-1984, 88, 92, 96) 
1965 Jacob Brumfield Bogalusa LA, outfielder (Toronto Blue Jays) 
1964 Paul Croft, Canada, Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
1965 Pat Cash Australia, tennis player (Wimbledon 1987) 
1965 Todd Bridges San Fransisco CA, actor (Diff'rent Strokes, Fish) 
1966 Eric Leckner NBA center (Detroit Pistons) 
1966 John Jaha Portland OR, infielder (Milwaukee Brewers) 
1966 Ray Sheppard Pembroke, NHL right wing (Florida Panthers) 
1966 Sean Kinney US rock drummer (Alice in Chains-We Die Young) 
1967 Chin Yang jockey 
1967 Doug West NBA guard (Minnesota Timberwolves) 
1967 George McCloud NBA forward/guard (Dallas Mavericks, Phoenix Suns) 
1967 Paul Gascoigne soccer player 
1967 Ruthie Bolton Holifield WNBA guard (Sacramento Monarchs/Olympics-gold-96) 
1968 Cedric Smith NFL running back (Washington Redskins, Arizona Cardinals) 
1968 Frank Thomas "Big Hurt", 1st baseman (Chicago White Sox, 1993 MVP) 
1968 Jeff Bagwell Boston MA, infielder (Houston Astros) 
1968 John Connelly Toledo OH, Nike golfer (1991 New Hampshire Open) 
1969 Chip Beake WLAF administrative assistant (Barcelona Dragons) 
1969 Dondré T Whitfield Brooklyn NY, actor (Another World, All My Children) 
1969 François Letourneau St Jerome Québec, canoeist (Olympics-96) 
1969 Lesley Tashlin Toronto Ontario, 100 meter hurdler (Olympics-96) 
1969 Todd Hundley Martinsville VA, catcher (New York Mets) 
1969 Travis Williams NBA forward (Charlotte Hornets) 

.....and on this day in history:

1950 "Arms & the Girl" closes at 46th St Theater NYC after 134 performances 
1950 Bollingen Prize for poetry awarded to Wallace Stevens 
1951 Chinese Communists force Dalai Lama to surrender his army to Beijing 
1951 Maritime Museum at Aquatic Park, San Fransisco opens 
1952 European Defense Community forms 
1953 Dutch social democratic/Dutch Liberal Party win municipal elections 
1955 Boston Red Sox Norm Zauchin gets 10 RBIs, beating Senators 16-0 
1955 Red Buttons Show, last airs on NBC-TV 
1956 French raid in Algiers 
1956 US performs nuclear test at Enwetak (atmospheric tests) 
1958 Ernest Green & 600 whites graduate from Little Rock's Central HS 
1958 Vanguard SLV-1 launched for Earth orbit (failed) 
1960 Baltimore manager Paul Richards devises oversized catcher's mitt (used by 
Clint Courtney) 
1960 Military coup overthrows democratic government of Turkey 
1961 1st black light is sold 
1961 Fiorentina wins 1st Europe Cup II in Florence 
1961 President Kennedy announces US goal to reach the Moon 
1961 Ralph Boston of the US, sets then long jump record at 27' ½" 
1962 Ruth Jessen wins LPGA Dallas Civitan Golf Open 
1963 3 New Jersey businessmen purchase the NHL Colorado Rockies, & get approval 
to move them to the New Jersey Meadowlands (Devils) 
1963 Jomo Kenyatta elected 1st prime minister of Kenya 
1964 "From Russia With Love" premieres in US 
1964 Inter Milan wins 9th Europe Cup 1 in Vienna 
1965 Inter Milan wins 10th Europe Cup 1 in Milan 
1966 55th German F-16 Starfighter crashes 
1966 6 French fighters crash above Spain 
1967 "Sherry!" closes at Alvin Theater NYC after 65 performances 
1968 6th Mayor's Trophy Game, Mets beat Yankees 4-3 
1968 National League awards Montréal & San Diego major league franchises 
1968 Nuclear submarine Scorpion is lost 
1969 Jerry Lewis Show second run, last airs on NBC-TV 
1969 Walt Disney World construction begins 

©2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Every day little Johhny went to the park and sat on the park bench 
to watch the squirels climb the tree.

Finally one day while little Johnny was sitting on the park bench 
little Susie walked by and unzipped Johnnys fly.

He went home and told his mama about it and she told him to tell the 
little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants.

The following day little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did 
the same thing again. Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because
I have a mouse in my pants".

At that remark, little Susie lifted her skirt and said "Go get em Pussy".

Ó¿Ó----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------Ó¿Ó

I Feel So Much Safer Now

   Iraqi soldiers who followed the instructions laid out in the leaflets 
dropped by allied aircraft before the war encouraging them not to fight on 
behalf of Hussein have now been fired and are no longer receiving pay. The 
angry soldiers said that their military service was primarily a job to help 
feed their families and that they ought to be treated the same as civil 
servants. Naturally, they're threatening to take up arms again, not on behalf 
of Hussein but on behalf of their families. 
    "If they don't pay us we'll start problems. We have guns at home. If they 
don't pay us, if they make our children suffer, they'll hear from us." 
 - Lt. Co. Ahmed Mohammed, a leader of the unpaid Iraqi soldiers - 

<a href=" http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com/ ">DisInfotainment Today</a>
http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com/

Ó¿Ó-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------Ó¿Ó

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they
think it's their fault. 
-Henry Kissinger

Ó¿Ó-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------Ó¿Ó

Exclusively at paulsfunhouse.com- Dan Sroka's Humor Network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Urban Yacht Club
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/urban.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/urban.shtml ">Urban Yacht Club</a>

Clean Up That Room
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cleanup.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cleanup.shtml ">Clean Up That Room</a>

24 Hour Bra
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sbtoon15a.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sbtoon15a.shtml ">24 Hour Bra</a>

Handy New Products
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/products.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/products.shtml ">Handy New Products</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Dear Tide,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have.
I've used it since the beginning of married life, when
my mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month
ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some
red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate
me about my drinking problem. 

One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of
her blood on my white blouse, as well. I tried to get
the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just
wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a
bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all
of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact,
that the DNA tests were negative!

Thank you, once again, for a great product.

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty
bag people.

Ó¿Ó---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------Ó¿Ó

wasted webspace site of the day:

<a href=" http://www.mds.mdh.se/~dal95acn/vic20.html ">vic-20 tribute page</a>
http://www.mds.mdh.se/~dal95acn/vic20.html

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

[A Classic!]

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender
gimme a triple shot of Jack".

The bartender pours, and the man downs it,
slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".

The bartender pours another. The man downs
it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says,
"Mister you drink like you have a problem.
Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been
married to my wife, and today I go home a little
early to surprise her, and I find my best friend,
MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Win up to $100,000 and donate to a good cause at the same
time:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Lottery For Fun</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a 
little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the 
side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire 
fighters helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter 
walks over to take a closer look.  "That sure is a nice fire truck", the fire 
fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks", the little girl says.  The fire fighter looks a little closer and 
notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's 
testicles.  "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you 
how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's 
collar, I think he could pull more."   The little girl replied: "You're 
probably 
right, sir, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Ó¿Ó--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------Ó¿Ó

In Saddam's palaces, marines found lots of pornography
a.k.a "Weapons Of Mass-turbation"

 Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------Ó¿Ó

During what century did science become a part of the courses of study in the 
universities and secondary schools?

A. 18th 
B. 17th 
C. 16th 
D. 15th 

<Answers in Next Issue!>

20/04

Last Issue's Answers:

What is the proper name of the country in northwestern Europe, bordered on the 
north and west by the North Sea, on the east by Germany, and on the south by 
Belgium?

B. The Netherlands

QQ: What is the country called? Officially, The Netherlands, but it's widely 
referred to as Holland because during early politics the country was usually 
dominated by the largest and wealthiest province, Holland. "Netherlands," i.e. 
low territories, is a reasonably accurate description. If it weren't for the 
sea dikes, over a quarter of the country would be under water at high tide.

© Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: address@hidden

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Watch What You Eat
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/watchu.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/watchu.shtml ">Watch What You Eat</a>

Super Lube
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lube.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lube.shtml ">Super Lube</a>

I Love Pussy, But. .
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/luvpussy.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/luvpussy.shtml ">I Love Pussy, But</a>

Dress Made Of Condoms
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/condress.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/condress.shtml ">Dress Made Of 
Condoms</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after
their bomb making class when one notices the other has a huge cork
stuck in his butt.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks
very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently 
stuck in my butt.."
"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I
tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old
man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling
out.

He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

Ó¿Ó-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------Ó¿Ó

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out 
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family 
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

Ó¿Ó---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------Ó¿Ó

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the 
past!

May 27th 2000

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m453.html ">Archives</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m453.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Do you love this ezine?  Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------Ó¿Ó

I was having lunch with my nine-year-old son, when the waitress came by
to ask if we wanted a drink. "I'll have a decapitated coffee," my son
said in all seriousness. The waitress smiled and poured him a cup. Not
to be outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot a few minutes later
and said, "Can I put a head on that for you?" 

Ó¿Ó------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Playboy Playmate Breakout
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/breakout.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/breakout.shtml ">Playboy Playmate 
Breakout</a>

Female OR SheMale Quiz
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/feshemale.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/feshemale.shtml ">Female OR SheMale 
Quiz</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

There was a young man who was known for his lack 
of religious study.  

The rabbi of the congregation, was not about to let
this go unnoticed. The boy performed his Bar Mitzvah,
and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the
minimal preparation.  
 
When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young
lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible,
from the congregation.  But then the rabbi, added a
special gift. 

He said, "You have received many gifts today, many
treasures of Judaism in book form, that will enrich your
life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem...
....and now for my own special gift to you", with that 
he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lectern, 
and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous 
half hour, "I present you this umbrella, because,  
I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST I KNOW 
YOU WILL OPEN!"

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

EVERY TICKET IS A WINNER in the ultimate practical
joke! 
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/19.html ">Lotto-Fun</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

The Top 14 Signs You're Dead
 
14> Goth chicks are diggin' your look.
 
13> "Weekend at Bernie's" just isn't as funny as it used to be.
 
12> Only necrophiliacs answer your personal ad.
 
11> A federal agent is prying your gun from your cold hands.
 
10> Last thing you remember is beaming down to that planet
     in your red security uniform.

9> An announcer screams, "The Cubs win the World Series!"

8> Haley Joel Osment has been following you all day saying,
    "I see... you."

7> You're the rankest smelling thing in a Parisian cheese shop.

6> You have a vague recollection of saying, "Watch this!
    I saw it on 'Jackass'!"

5> Your entrepreneurial son opens you up as a bait shop.

4> Overwhelming desire to feast on the flesh of the living.
    (Also a sign you may be Don King.)

3> You're one of the *thin* Kennedys.

2> Anna Nicole Smith is hugging, crying, and kissing you
    as never before.

    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Dead...

1> Album sales up 35%!

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Can Your Beer Do This
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cybdt.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cybdt.shtml ">Can Your Beer Do This</a>

Horny Turtle
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hornytur.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hornytur.shtml ">Horny Turtle</a>

Temperature Detector
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tempdetect.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tempdetect.shtml ">Temperature 
Detector</a>

They Will Never Guess How You REALLY Use That
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/conair.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/conair.shtml ">They Will Never Guess How 
You REALLY Use That</a>

Ó¿Ó-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------Ó¿Ó

A Brazilian man has made things up with his wife after
she cut off his penis for asking for a divorce.

The man, from Lapao, in the northeast of the country,
has had his penis successfully reattached in hospital.

He says he understands his wife acted out of stress
and that they are living together happily again.

He told Folha de Sao Paulo newspaper: "She was
stressed and I understand her reasons."

His wife cut off his penis after lacing his fruit juice
with a sedative after he said he wanted a divorce.

She waited for him to fall asleep and then sliced it
off with a kitchen knife.

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a
mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the
mother "That what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was
raised on that".

The young mother tells Paddy to clear off.

Paddy continues, "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at
me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby
breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses..., "can
I try breast feeding on the other breast".

The young mother says again, "Get away with you Paddy".

Paddy says convincingly, "You've got plenty of breast milk for
baby, and he doesn't need the other breast".

The young mother looks at Paddy and thinks, well he is good
looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can
get on the other breast".

Paddy began sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the
young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get
aroused, panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy,
"Paddy.... is there anything else you want?"

Paddy asks, "err... have you got any cookies?"

Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------Ó¿Ó

[||||]       O L '    S P A R K Y        [||||]

"[Mississippi] Judge Jerry Davis ruled...  that death row conditions are 
so harsh, they contribute to a high rate of mental illness among 
inmates."    (USA/5/22)

Not to mention death.

Copyright © 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. 
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you
REALLY think about him/her?

Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then
you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of
the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent
for the last four years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage,
the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a
ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I
REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I
looked her straight in the eye.

"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly... you could practice
birth control just by leaving the lights on!"

And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you
that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last
four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the
living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:

"In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate
to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Are you fully protected from viruses?
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Virus Protection</a>

Ó¿Ó---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------Ó¿Ó

A Crystal River, Florida man was arrested Thursday after
deputies accused him of leaning into the driver's side
of a Citrus County sheriff's patrol car and shifting the
vehicle into drive, an arrest report said. 

Deputies were at the Crystal Acres Mobile Home Park off
State Road 44 just east of Crystal River investigating
a traffic case. 

Deputies said Carl William Pottschmidt, 32, a park
resident, shifted the car into drive and caused it to
make contact with another Sheriff's Office vehicle, the
report said. Both vehicles sustained minor damage. 

Pottschmidt, who was reportedly intoxicated, told law
authorities someone dared him to do what he did. 

Pottschmidt remained at the Citrus County jail Friday
afternoon with bail set at $5,000.

He was held on charges of burglary of an unarmed,
unoccupied vehicle and criminal mischief.

Ó¿Ó---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Why was two-piece bikini invented?

To separate meat section from the dairy section.

Ó¿Ó--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------Ó¿Ó

You're Outta Here!

Pity poor Cole Bartiromo.

His high school administrators thought he was a thief and a swindler, so
they kicked him off the high school baseball team.

It turns out he was ("allegedly") a thief and a swindler, but that
didn't matter to Bartiromo. He's suing Trabuco Hills High School in
Mission Viejo, California for kicking him off the team, claiming it
ruined the millions he was going to make as a professional baseball
player.

Bartiromo was kicked off the team because he "allegedly" ran two
different fraudulent Internet-based stock schemes, before finally being
caught by the Securities and Exchange Commission. In one scheme,
Bartiromo artificially inflated stock prices in what's called a
"pump-and-dump." In the second, he ran an investment company that
guaranteed profits of up to 2500 percent by pooling investors' money to
bet on sports events.

Understandably, the SEC got a little annoyed and filed charges against
Bartiromo. So he gave $1.2 million in profits to the SEC without
admitting guilt. That's why I have to say "allegedly."

So what does this have to do with Bartiromo's high school? Apparently in
booting him from the team, he was not allowed to play in front of
college recruiters and professional team scouts. Since they couldn't see
him play, he couldn't be recruited. Since he couldn't be recruited, he
couldn't get the multi-million dollar contract to to play professional
baseball.

So Mr. Delusions-of-Grandeur is now demanding $50 million in
compensation for the lost salary he supposedly would have earned playing
for a major league baseball team. What's next? Suing the SEC because he
can't become a stockbroker and make another $80 million?

Never mind that most college and professional scouts would have seen him
play as a junior while they were scouting seniors. And never mind that,
as a junior, they would have already had their eye on him. If they
didn't flag him as a potential star when he was 16, they wouldn't change
their minds when he was 17.

Bartiromo, who is now 18 and acting as his own attorney, filed the civil
rights lawsuit in U.S. District Court in Santa Ana, California. He says
his removal was a result of "personal vendettas" by school
administrators. He believes they were envious of his notoriety and local
fame.

In the lawsuit, Bartiromo says the school's athletic director said that
having him on the team "makes us look like idiots" to other coaches and
teams.

Bartiromo also claims that he was accused of "bogus infractions" and
that some of his personal information was removed from the school
yearbook. There was no word whether phrases like "alleged thief and
swindler" were part of that personal information.

"Instead of savoring every final moment of that final year to remember,
Bartiromo has been left with thoughts of horror and the discrimination
he endured," he said in his lawsuit.

It's surprising that Bartiromo's "thoughts of horror" come from his
removal from the baseball team, and not the potential $100 million-plus
penalty the SEC may hit him with.

"I wish we could get this over with so I can move on," Bartiromo told
the Los Angeles Times about the pending nine-figure fine. "I can't do
anything until this is settled. I'm just sitting on pins and needles
here."

Actually, Cole, you won't be able to do anything even after it's
settled. Major league super-stardom or not, there's no way you'll be
able to cough up 100 million smackers. You'll be dead for 750 years
before that thing's finally paid off.

Besides, I don't know what I'd do if I was waiting for a $100 million
weight to drop on my head, but suing my former school for deflating my
pipe dreams of major league super-stardom would not be the first thing
I'd think of.

Let's face it, kid, if people were jealous of your local fame, they're
not anymore. Now you just look like a greedy whiner who doesn't like the
fact that someone made you face the consequences of your actions. If I
were you, I'd pray to the Patron Saint of Alleged Liars and Swindlers
that the SEC decides to forget about the $100 million. This suit will
NOT score you big Karma points with the SEC.

Plus you've got as much chance of making it in the big leagues as you do
taking supermodel Gisele Bundchen to Round Tony's All-You-Can-Eat
Bratwurst Buffet. So drop the unattainable baseball fantasy and the $50
million lawsuit, and repeat after me:

"There is nobility in flipping burgers. I will face the consequences for
my actions. I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.
Would you like fries with that?"

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003

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