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[Purehumour] Wednesday Wonders

From: Purehumour Family Autobot
Subject: [Purehumour] Wednesday Wonders
Date: Wed, 06 Nov 2002 10:32:55 -0600

©¿©<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->©¿©
©¿©<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->©¿©

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
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So have you all got election day hangovers today?  Mid-term elections took
place yesterday in the US...and I guess from the news this morning...that
Bush has control over both houses...which is a complete irony considering
that just yesterday the Prime Minister of Canada LOST control of the House
in Canada...could make for some fun times in the coming months!  Elections
in Israel are on the way too...with the world in complete turmoil...it can only
get better!

DON'T FORGET to stop by the two hottest places on the net:
Judy's Giftshop: http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com and
The Forums: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/

Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Keli, SunAmy, Barbara,
John, Marina, Tom.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

What do you call two pigs fighting?

Ham to Ham Combat.

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Just one thing...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.692 ">Click Here </a>

<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.696 ">Click Here </a>

Today's issue is brought to you by:

EVERY TICKET IS A WINNER in the ultimate practical
joke!  Scratch 'n' Win lottery tickets for your friends (or
enemies)...watch their faces as they scratch and reveal
a prize of $10,000 or $25,000 or even $50,000!  See them
bounce off the walls....who is the one to tell them that it
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Food for thought!

A Village of 100 People

"If we could shrink the earth's population to one village of precisely 100
people with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would
look something like the following:

57 Asians
20 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
9 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
72 would be nonwhite
28 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth.
...5 would be from the United States.
80 would live in sub-standard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death
1 would be near birth
1 (yes only one) would have a college education
1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective,
the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes
glaringly apparent."



Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend?

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©¿©------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------©¿©

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>

©¿©----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------©¿©

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1943 Michael Schwerner civil rights worker, murdered in 1964
1946 Sally Field Pasadena CA, we really like her (Gidget, Flying Nun)
1947 Jack Arnold character on Wonder Years
1948 Glenn Frey Detroit, rocker (Eagles-Take it Easy)
1949 Brad Davis Tallahassee FL, actor (Roots, Chiefs)
1950 Ernest Thompson Bellows Fall VT, actor (Sierra, Westside Medical)
1954 Catherine Cryer
1955 Maria Shriver [Mrs A Schwartenegger], Chicago IL, newscaster (Sunday Today)
1959 Teri Peterson Santa Monica Cal, playmate (July, 1980)
1960 Lance Kerwin Newport Beach Ca, (James at 15, The Lonliest Runner)
1962 Lori Singer Corpus Christi Texas, actress (Fame, V, Footloose)
1966 Lisa Fuller Los Angeles CA, actress (Dawn-General Hospital)
1966 Peter DeLuise actor (Free Ride)
1967 Jana McCoy Portales NM, Miss NM-America (1991)
1967 Rebecca Schaeffer Eugene Oregon, actress (Patti-My Sister Sam)
1968 Kelly Rutherford Elizabethtown Kentucky, actress (Generations)
1970 Ethan Hawke Austin, TX, actor (Dad, Dead Poets Society, Explorers)

.....and on this day in history:

1952 1st hydrogen bomb exploded (by US at Eniwetok Atoll)
1956 Holland & Spain withdraw from Olympics, protest Soviets in Hungary
1956 President Eisenhower (D) re-elected defeating Adlai E Stevenson (R)
1957 Felix Gaillard becomes premier of France
1961 US government issues a stamp honoring 100th birthday of James Naismith
1962 BART bond issue just gets by with a 66.9% favorable vote
1962 Edward M Kennedy 1st elected (Sen-D-MA)
1962 Edward W Brooke (R) elected attorney general of Massachusetts
1966 1st entire lineup televised in color (NBC)
1967 US launches Surveyor 6; makes soft landing on Moon Nov 9
1969 1st Cy Young Award tie (Mike Cuellar, Baltimore & Denny McLain, Detroit)
1973 Abe Beame elected 1st jewish mayor on NYC
1973 Coleman Young elected mayor of Detroit
1975 1st appearance of the Sex Pistols
1976 Benjamin Hooks, succeeds Roy Wilkins as executive director of NAACP
1977 39 killed in an earthen dam burst at Toccoa Falls Bible College, Ga
1978 Shah of Iran places Iran under military rule
1983 Discovery transported to Vandenberg AFB, California
1984 President Reagan (R) landslide (won 49 states) re-election over Mondale (D)
1985 22nd Space Shuttle Mission (61A) -Challenger 9- lands at Edwards AFB
1985 Exploratory well at Ranger TX, explodes spilling 6.3 m gallons of oil
1985 General Jaruzelski elected Poland's head of state
1986 Reagan signs landmark immigration reform bill
1988 Japan & MLB all stars played to a 6-6 draw (Game 2 of 7)
1988 Steve Jones wins NY men's marathon; Grete Waitz 9th women's title
1989 US marshals & FCC seize pirate radio station WJPL in Brooklyn
1990 Arsenio Hall gets a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame
1990 Fire destroys some of Universal Studio's stages
1993 Next transit of Mercury

©2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/

A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game.
She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices
the man next to her.

"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction -
back towards the golf shop."

"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm half blind."

He then turned around and started hitting out into the range.
After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.

"Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and
fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing."

"Tanks, again, Miss." he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't
know dese tings."

A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a
poisonal qvestion?"

"Not at all," she replied.

"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat ?"

"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that
is your problem.

Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask.
Again, I got to tank you."

He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him.
"Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked.

"Vit gladness, dank gott. All the help you got I vill take." he answered.

"Get rid of your Jewish accent" she replied. "
.....You're Chinese."


FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free!
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©¿©-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------©¿©

"I remember I told my wife, 'Honey, I love you, will you
marry me?' She said, 'If you really loved me, you wouldn't
ask me to do this.'"
-Rodney Dangerfield

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

You Never Really Learn To Cuss Till
<a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks12.html ">Click</a>

Blonde License Plate
<a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks13.html ">Click</a>


A massive earthquake with the strenght of 9.1 on the richter
scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans has died and over
a million are wounded.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't
know where to start with providing help.

The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troops
to help that army in controlling the riots.

The countries in Europa are sending food and money.

The United States of America are sending 150,000 new

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Missing the wife...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.670 ">Click Here </a>

Not much left...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.678 ">Click Here </a>


A customer calls the computer technical help line:

Customer: "I have Windows XP on my computer."

Tech: "Yes."

Customer: "My computer isn't working right."

Tech: "Yes. You already told me that."


Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a>

©¿©------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------©¿©

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>


The judge asked the woman why she wanted
a divorce: There was no sign that the
husband was cruel, or wandering, or any
of the usual things that lead to this

The woman replied that she was seeking
the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality!

The judge, trying to stifle his laughter,
asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?"

"No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality...
he's a bum fuck!"

©¿©--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------©¿©

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

 ©¿©-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------©¿©

Where does the U.S. state Montana get its name?

A. Indian word for beautiful
B. Indian word for water
C. French word for water
D. Spanish word for mountainous

<Answers in Next Issue!>


Last Issue's Answers:

What is the purpose of the caboose of a train?

D. To provide shelter and conveniences for the train crew.

{Note: Sadly in Canada we rarely see a caboose anymore...our
major rail companies have taken them from the rails...I remember
always waving at the man in the caboose...and now the end of the
train goes by...and there is nothing there!  :(  ]

© Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: trivia-subscribe@quizqueen.net.

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Let Face It My Friend
<a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks16.html ">Click</a>

Diaper Change
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/diaper.htm ">Click</a>

©¿©---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------©¿©

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

Keli: Mary, what exactly is an "oxymoron"?

Anni: It's a phrase made up of contradictory terms,
like "deafening silence."

Keli: Oh, I get it. Like "Mr. Perfect"!

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
©¿©---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------©¿©

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the

November 6th 2001:

<a href=" http://escribe.com/humor/pj/m745.html ">Click</a>


Do you love Purehumour?  Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>

©¿©--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------©¿©

A young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she
did, not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group
of witches searching for a love potion. They informed him that they no
longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a
potion to someone without her permission. They did have an alternate
solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury
one in her yard every night at midnight for a month. He returned to the
witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were
to wed in a month. The witch told him, "Nothin says lovin' like
something from a coven. And pills buried say it best."


Text Twist
<a href=" http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/texttwist.html ">Click</a>

What Word
<a href=" http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/whatword.html ">Click</a>


I don't know if you guys have heard about this in the news yet,
but according to recent testing on monkeys, scientists have
now found out that humans can get the disease HIV through
oral sex.

What I want to know is... how many people had to blow monkeys
in order to come to such a conclusion.


JUDY'S GIFTSHOP...a new shopping experience....welcome
Judy into your home...great deals...great products...all through
a company you can trust!  Owned and operated by Paul's Fun
<a href=" http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a>


Ellie was a faithful maid who worked for an old spinster for a few
years. One day she announced that she could only work until noon
because she had to take her son to the doctor.

"But Ellie, I didn't know you were married. I thought you were an old
maid like me."

"I ain't married, and I am an old maid. But I ain't the fussy kind

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Who Let The Cat Out Of The Bag
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/bagcat.htm ">Click</a>

Texas Car Wash
<a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/oct7.htm ">Click</a>

©¿©-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------©¿©

The average driver emits more than 912 pints of wind
inside a car during his or her lifetime.

The figure is revealed by BBC Top Gear magazine in a
list of statistics profiling the average driver.

The survey also found the average driver will have sex
in a car six times in their lives.

They will spend around two hours and 14 minutes kissing
in their vehicles, researchers found.

Mr or Mrs Average will swear or blaspheme 32,025 times
behind the wheel.

And hungry drivers each munch through about 21 lbs
of chocolate as they trundle along.

They will also nod off at the wheel 11 times and jump
181 red lights.

The average driver will also honk the horn 15,250 times
in a lifetime and be locked out of the car nine times.

Mr or Ms average driver believes their driving is better
than 87% of other drivers and they pay attention to only
35% of road signs.

In a lifetime of journeys the average woman driver will
throw two-thirds of her body weight out of the window as
garbage or other matter, while men will throw their entire
body weight out.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician
running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly
that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on

"The truth is," replied the politician, "That she has a big

©¿©-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------©¿©

[||||]       F O S T E R    F R E E Z E !       [||||]

A Charlotte NC company flack agency is offering cash strapped hick town
Andy Griffiths free Ford Crown Victorias if they agree to allow NASCAR
type ads on the fuzz wagons.     (USA/10/31)

Or agree to allow a giant fiberglass Winchells donut on the roof.

Copyright © 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their
grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years
from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful
in business'," declared John.

"Fifty years from now," said Tony, "I want them to say, 'He was a
loyal family man'."

Turning to Old Paul, the John asked, "So Paul what do you want them
to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" old Paul replied. "I want them all to say, 'Hey dude, the old
fart's still breathing'..."


Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions...
The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your
software requirements:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a>

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Dig boys!!
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.686 ">Click Here </a>

The Poo Chart...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.694 ">Click Here </a>

©¿©---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------©¿©

Chicago police say they caught three men stealing an
ATM at a restaurant on the city's southwest side.

But there was one problem - the automatic teller machine
hadn't been in service for two years.

A waitress at the restaurant says it broke down and the
company that had installed it was out of business.

Police noticed the men had the ATM stuffed in a car and
arrested one of them after a chase. The other two got
away, but investigators say they know who they're looking


What is all wrinkled and hangs out your underpants?

Your Mother!


DisInfotaiment Today!
"All Rights Reserved and All Wrongs Avenged"


No Shit

Forget acid rain. Forget the hole in the ozone layer. The latest environmental disaster is fertilizer falling from the sky.

Good Thing/Bad Thing

I've been invited to join the Illuminati.

Calling All Rape Victims

If you're going to accuse a man of rape, make sure he doesn't have a penis that's only one inch long.

Audio Files of the Week

Don't miss chapter one of Harry Shearer's Dick Cheney: Confidential - "Hostages and Snipers"

This amazing, but now hideously out of date, audio file reveals what actually was said in the garbled phone calls from the DC Snipers (300k).

The Mystery of the Ruby Tooth by Eric Deckers gives The Firesign Theater a run for their money. http://www.wets.org/ram/DTTD - Slick Bracer - Mystery o' the Ruby Tooth 56 modem - 2.ram

The Compassionate American Press in Action

When a group of Gulf War veterans had a news conference at the National Press Club in Washington on October 24 to point out some of the consequences of war in the gulf, including conditions leading to the sickness of 128,000 Gulf War veterans in 1991, the media did not show up.

Who'da Thunk?

According to OJ Simpson, the DC area snipers were responsible for the deaths of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman.

Service Me

Google's got a brand new service where you type in any items in any list and it completes the list for you. Try "war" and "peace," not "fellatio" and "cunnilingus," you perv.

Gee, You'd Think We'd Already Won the War

The leader of the London-based Iraqi National Congress, Ahmed Chalabi, has met executives of three US oil multinationals to negotiate the carve-up of Iraq's massive oil reserves post-Saddam.

Book of the Week

Sean Penn sent a nice open letter to George W. Bush. Michael Moore sent a nice open letter to George W. Bush. Woody Harrelson sent a nice open letter to George W. Bush. Unfortunately, all of these letters were on a reading level far beyond George W. Bush, so they were useless. To teach him a lesson about abuse of power, it is necessary to send him something he can actually read. Please send a copy of Dr. Seuss's Yertle the Turtle to George W. Bush. The future of our nation depends upon it.

Food for Thought

If Bush in any way signaled to the Taliban that we had plans to invade Afghanistan, then bin Laden's attack on 9/11 was a pre-emptive strike, caused by Bush, using a tactic Bush is now showing that he wholeheartedly approves of.

More Food for Thought

Hey, am I the only one who was entirely on the side of the Chechen rebels in their brief occupation of a theater in Moscow? What the fuck is Russia doing in Chechnya? The same thing England's doing in Ireland. They should pull out immediately, but instead they're using the incident to push for more war. Further proof that escalation breeds nothing but escalation, retaliation further retaliation.

Conspiracy Buff Question of the Week

"What was that FBI intelligence expert working on prior to her murder in the Home Depot parking lot?"
- Barry Crimins -

Contradiction of the Week

News Item: Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. announces it will fire 480 workers from its 59-year-old plant in Omaha, Neb., and move their jobs to Mexico, where workers are paid $12.77 a day.

News Item: Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. announces winners of essay contest that asked youths to write on the subject, "What the Spirit of America Means to Me," as Sam Gibara, chairman and CEO, congratulates the youths on their "deep patriotism and immense pride in this nation and its people."

Music Video of the Week

Thank God somebody has made a music video out of John Ashcroft's soul stirring rendition of The Mighty Eagle Soars.

Good for Bush

It turns out dark matter rules the universe.

Worst Name for a Dog

Arf Gartfunkle

Piano Solo of the Week

For your consideration, in the tradition of Aaron Copeland and Van Dyke Parks, An American Piece, by Michael Dare (1.5 meg)

Time Waster of the Week

Here's a directory of every online pinball game.

Totally Wacko New World Order Site of the Week

Here's the case for the fact that somebody has been combining human and extra-terrestrial DNA.

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

My name is Jemika from Minnesota. Please, please tell me you can help me. I have a great idea for a game show. It's the greatest idea since wheel of fortune...hmmm really. I just need to know how and who can I submit this idea to. I have been giving private parties for the last two months playing this game and people love it. What's so good about it is that people want to play this game. It's a old favorite with a twist nothing, I mean nothing is like it on tv right now It's a winner for sure I just need some helpful info on how to get started. Once I have cross all my T's and dotted my I's I would like share this idea with you and the world.

Thank you for your time,

Dear Jemika,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

Know how Wheel of Fortune ended up on the air? Because Merv Griffin thought of it. It was his idea. He hired writers, actors, a director, build a set, shot it, and showed it to a network. He made millions because it was his idea and he did something with it. He wouldn't have made as much if it hadn't been his idea, which is why people like Merv Griffin like to run with their own ideas.

Actual professional game show producers have staffs of the best writers they can get, writers with decades of experience, dozens of creative people sitting around every day doing nothing but coming up with ideas for game shows. Of the thousands of ideas they've sifted through, you think it's possible they never thought of your idea? If it's a common game, they have already spent hours trying to come up with a TV version. The only reason they would need you is if you option the TV rights to the original game so they HAVE to come to you. (This is a serious option if you're serious. Somebody along the way is going to HAVE to buy the rights to the underlying game. Might as well be you.) The last thing on earth a professional TV producer is looking for is ideas from the outside.

Ideas are worthless. Write a script and there's a minimum they have to pay you, but there's no minimum for ideas. Nobody in Hollywood is looking for an idea for anything because they're quite literally not worth anything. When's the last time you saw a credit for "idea?" Everyone in Hollywood has too many ideas of their own to bother with yours.

Here's a little quiz.

Having an idea for a game show is exactly like...

a) having an idea for a car.
b) having an idea for a mass market food item.
c) having an idea for the space shuttle.
d) having an idea for a skyscraper.
e) all of the above.

Think about it. They're all multi-million dollar industries. It's like you're telling me you've got a great recipe for a cookie that all your friends agree is the best cookie they've ever had, and you want to know how you can get it on millions of grocery store shelves in between Famous Amos and Mrs. Fields.

Simple answer. You can't, at least not without spending millions of dollars and opening shops first.

Don't ever expect anybody else to run with your ideas. You will never find anyone on earth who is more in love with your ideas than you are. The only thing you can do with your idea is use it. Execution is all that counts. What you do with the idea. Absolutely nobody on earth, including me, will be impressed by the fact that people in your living room like your idea. Believe me, a lot of people had THE IDEA of creating an auction site on the net, but the only person that counts is the one who took that idea and personally created eBay.

The answer's right in front of you. Figure out how to make it work on the net. Register YOURGAME.COM, and see how many players you can attract. As soon as you're up to 10,000 a day, THEN someone will be impressed with the idea of your game. That's how You Don't Know Jack ended up on television. If your game can't even attract players on the net, how can you expect it to attract viewers on TV?


Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

November 4, 2002

Satan for President in 2004


Yep, it's time to hold your nose and vote Democratic.


At Central Alternative High School, the kids now behave. The hallways aren't frantic. Even the teachers are happy.

The school used to be out of control. Kids packed weapons. Discipline problems swamped the principals office, but not since 1997.

What happened? Did they line every inch of space with cops? Did they spray valium gas in the classrooms? Did they install metal detectors in the bathrooms? Did they build holding cells in the gym? Did they invite drug sniffing dogs? No. Click here to find out what they did.


with apologies to Meredith Wilson

Well either you are closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge, or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a Republican in the White House.

Well, you got trouble my friend. Right here, I say, trouble right here in America. Why sure I'm a voter, certainly mighty proud to say, I'm always mighty proud to say it. I consider that the hours I spend in a voting booth are golden. Help ya cultivate horse sense, and cool head and a keen eye. Did you ever take and try to punch through a dimpled chad when you're black and living in Florida? But just as I say it takes judgment, brains and maturity to put somebody in office, I say that any boob can take and shove a ballot in a ballot box.

And I call that cheating, the first big step on the road to the depths of degrada- - I say first, personal checks by the teaspoon, then corporate checks by the bottle. And the next thing you know your President is playing for money in a pinch back suit and listening to some big out of town jasper here to talk about Kyoto protocols. Not a wholesome American protocol, no, but a protocol that hits him right in the paycheck. Like to see some stuck up Yale boy sitting in the oval office?

Make your blood boil? Well, I should say. Now friends, let me tell you what I mean. Ya got one, two, three, four, five, six names on a ballot. Names that mark the difference between intelligent and dumb, with a capital D and that rhymes with B and that stands for Bush.

And all week long your American youth will be fritterin' away I say your young men will be fritterin. Fritterin away their noon time, supper time, chore time too. Get some money in the bank, never mind getting dandelions pulled or the screen door patched or the beef steak pounded. Never mind pumping any water till your parents are caught with a cistern empty on a Saturday night and that's trouble. Yes you got lots and lots of trouble. I'm thinking of the kids in the kindergarten, shirt tailed young ones. Peeking in the rich folk's window after school. You got trouble, Folks! Right here in America. Trouble with a Capital T and that rhymes with B and that stands for Bush.

Now I know all you folks are the right kind of parents. I'm going to be perfectly frank. Would you like to know what kind of conversation goes on while they're hanging in the oval office? They'll be raising taxes on your cigarettes while smoking Havanas like commy fiends. And bragging all about how they're gonna cover up a tell-tale conspiracy with CNN. One fine night, they leave the White House, heading for the shelter at the armory, Republican men and scarlet women, safe from the bomb, shameless actions that will drive your son, your daughter to the arms of what you better be building, bomb shelter. Friends the Bush's brain is the devil's playground. Trouble! O-ho we got trouble. Trouble with a Capital T and that rhymes with B and that stands for Bush.

Mothers of America. Heed this warning before it's too late! Watch for the telltale signs of Republicanism. The minute your son leaves the house, does he use his laptop for insider trading? Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger? A million bucks hidden in the Caymans? Is he starting to memorize jokes from Rush Limbaugh? Are certain wooooords creeping into his conversation? Words like "stategery?" A-ha! And "pre-emptive strike?"

If so my friends. . .ya got trouble!
Right here in America. Right here!
With a capital T
And that rhymes with B
And that stands for Bush


From Masturbate for Peace

Stop human loss, give yourself a toss
Ignore Bush's war calls, play with your balls
For peace to work, you need to jerk
War is heinous, thumb your anus
Three times a day keeps war at bay
Attack your crack, not Iraq!
You Can't Beat Off with Nuclear Arms
War is Mean, Flick Your Bean
War is wrong. Whack your schlong.
My 'friendly fire' harms no-one
Semen cleans off of hands easier than blood
Palms Not Bombs
I'm going blind for Mankind
War is silly, whack your willy
Think globally, whack locally


Read about DHMO and ask yourself whether you're happy it's in baby food.


Foil wrapped baked potatoes should never be left at room temperature.


One of these quotes is entirely false.

"Confidence in our economy depends upon us holding people to account if they're not honest with the people. That's the kind of leadership you need in Nashville and that's the kind of leadership you've got in Washington."
- GW Bush -

"The president continues to have confidence in Harvey Pitt."
- Ari Fleischer -

"Canada has this odd system where the one who gets the most votes gets to run the country, which we should try here in America some time."
- Paul Begala, Crossfire, 10/31/02 -

"What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and George W. Bush?
Answer: Hitler was elected."
- Paul Krassner -

"Let's hear no more about this bizarre cover-up."
- Principal Skinner on The Simpsons -

"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."
- Capt. Mal Reynolds on Firefly -

"It's not enough to say God Bless America, it should be God Bless EVERYONE."
- Meria Heller -

"Today the real test of power is not the capacity to make war but the capacity to prevent it."
- Anne O'Hare McCormick -

"Education is a better safeguard of liberty than a standing army."
- Edward Everett -

"If the government of the people abandon any of the principles of which gave birth to our Nation, then we must take our government back and deliver it to the hands of the people."
- Thomas Jefferson, 1800 -

"If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"
- Aleksander Solzhenitsyn -

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."
- Oscar Wilde -

"Our country is for sale. The food we eat, the water we drink, the air we breathe is for sale to the highest bidder. Our safety, our children, our lives are likewise for sale. You don't get health care - you buy health care. You don't get justice - you buy justice, and you sure don't get freedom - you fight for it."
- Marc Ash, truthout.org -

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men."
- Martin Luther King, Jr. -

"The difference between treason and mutiny is that traitors want to sink the boat while mutineers simply want to get rid of the captain. Mutineers are patriots; traitors are not. I am a mutineer, not a traitor."
- Benedict Arnold -

"The population of this country is 237 million and 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are also 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes..."
- David Prince -

"Do you think you've learned from your mistakes?"
"Yes. I'm sure I could repeat them exactly."
- Peter Cook and Dudley Moore -

"Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now buy a giraffe or go to hell."
- Malcolm in the Middle -


This Christmas, why not give to The Committee To Have Bob Hope Declared Legally Dead.


dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it.



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