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lynx-dev More Microsoft humor
lynx-dev More Microsoft humor
Wed, 7 Oct 1998 17:23:25 -0400 (EDT)
> Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1998 11:16:01 -0700 (PDT)
> Subject: Hardly Har Har! (fwd)
> ---------- Forwarded message ----------
> Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1998 07:36:24 -0700 (PDT)
> From: Robert S. Ringwald <address@hidden>
> To: Undisclosed recipients: ;
> Subject: Hardly Har Har!
> Gates Settles For Half
> REDMOND, WA -- In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire
> Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he
> will be getting half.
> Gates, whose savvy and aggressiveness propelled his Microsoft
> corporation to the top of the business world and made him America's
> richest man with an estimated fortune of $20 billion, announced his plan
> at a press conference yesterday from his Seattle-area compound. "I get
> half," he explained.
> It has not yet been decided if Gates' half will be taken straight down
> the middle or by liquidating all assets and dividing up raw capital. The
> question will be settled later this week by a special session of Gates'
> half of the U S Congress.
> "Don't touch anything until you're sure it's not part of my half," Gates
> instructed the world's citizenry yesterday via the several million
> 40-foot-high projection screens he has scattered throughout the globe.
> "I don't want anyone messing up stuff in my half."
> Until everything can be clearly divided between Gates and persons who
> are not Gates, measures will be taken to ensure the integrity of Gates'
> Citizens are instructed to remain in their homes, consuming a carefully
> monitored minimum of their perishables, and subjecting their personal
> possessions to as little wear and tear as possible.
> In the event something belonging to Gates is consumed or damaged, Gates
> announced he will take punitive action, levying fines of up to $14
> billion, and may even insist that offenders themselves be included in
> his half.
> "Don't take from my half," the 37-year-old Gates said. "Ice cream and
> cool cars are part of my half." Gates also expressed interest in
> possessing Apple, IBM, and the former Soviet Union.
> "You know, I own the Bettman Archive," Gates said. "You can't look at it
> unless I say OK."
> Gates' half will be collected via an advanced subroutine built directly
> into Windows99 (aka MacOS.8). Computer users without Windows99 will have
> it automatically sent to them, with the cost of the program deducted
> from their half.
> Those without computers will be directed to special Gates-owned
> DNA-resequencing centers where a special bio-silicate form of Windows99
> will be injected directly into their bloodstreams. Once in the
> bloodstream, the program is designed to breed virally at the base of its
> host's brainstem and to begin work on calculating Gates' half.
> "Everyone must contribute to my half," Gates said. "Any number, no
> matter how small, can be divided into two halves, one of which will be
> Gates would not comment on the possibility of eventually increasing his
> share from a mere half to a controlling interest.
> Sources close to Gates would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Gates
> might offer up to 15 percent of his half in exchange for the other half
> of the world.
> "The transitional period may be difficult," Gates said. "But it will be
> quick. I hope that this time will be remembered pleasantly in the half
> of people's minds that remain their own."
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